That’s me. Proudly! I believe that the world needs more people who are willing to be....funny/cute/witty/whimsical/jocular/cheery/audacious/sassy/flippant/smart-alecky/nervy/brassy/impertinent/brash/saucy/shameless….so the rest of us can get some smiles, chuckles or laughs on a regular basis. Although I’m an optimist with a happy attitude, my life (and I bet, yours, too) can always use some more light moments.
Just spend a few moments thinking about your health, your finances, national politics, world affairs, terrorists, the national debt, homeless people, corporate control, starving children, natural disasters, etc., etc. Okay, enough of that.
I’ve always looked for the humor in life. I’ve always tried to bring it to others….those close to me as well as strangers. I’ve woven a lot of humor throughout the topic/chapters of this book. Now, here is a chapter just about funny things. If I can’t give you a bunch of grins by reading this chapter, then I should turn in my “Smart Ass Certificate”….which I work very hard to keep!
I always wanted to be a procrastinator. I just never got around to it.
I have kleptomania. When it gets bad, I take something for it.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
I can please only one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life:
1. Never tell everything you know.
Just because you’re paranoid
….doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.
Always try to be modest….and be damn proud of it.
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Never put off until tomorrow….what you can avoid doing altogether.
Too much of a good thing….can be wonderful!
Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds
if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
The first time I see a jogger smiling….I’ll consider it.
Okay….I’ve got a few questions here
that are really bugging me:
Why is a 15,000-word submission to the Supreme Court called a brief?
If you throw a cat out of a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
When a cow laughs at breakfast, does milk come out of its nose?
How do they get the deer to cross at those yellow highway signs?
Why is there an expiration date on a container of sour cream?
How do you know when it’s time to tune the bagpipes?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If you shoot a deaf person, should you use a silencer?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
Why is there not mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
If a woman wears a pair of earrings, a pair of pants and a pair of shoes,
why doesn’t she wear a pair of bras?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves,
isn’t it a hostage situation?
When sign makers go on strike, how do they make their picket signs?
Where do forest rangers go for some peace and quiet?
How can there be self-help groups?
What happened to Preparations A through G?
Why do we play during recitals and recite during plays?
How can there be an Interstate Highway in Hawaii?
If we call an orange an orange,
why don’t we call a lime a green and a lemon a yellow?
Is it right for our nose to run and our feet to smell?
What happened to the first 6 UPs?
Why is it that cargo goes by ship and a shipment goes by car?
Why is it called the Department of the Interior
when it deals with everything outside?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest,
but ducks when the bad guy throws an empty gun at him?
Why do we push harder on the buttons of the TV remote
when we know that the battery is going dead?
Isn’t it unnerving that what doctors do they themselves call “practice”?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather
because it’s easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
You can’t be a real country unless you have a great beer. It helps if you have a
terrific football or soccer team or some nuclear weapons,
but at the very least, you need a fine beer.
If everything seems under control
….you are just not going fast enough.
The Lottery: a tax on people who don’t understand math.
When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts?”
and you put your two cents in
….what happens to the other penny?
Whoever said that money can’t buy happiness
just doesn’t know where to shop.
Young people think that money is the most important thing in life.
Only when they get older do they know it for sure.
The reason that grandchildren and grandparents get along so well
is that they have a common enemy.
Whatever their other contributions to our society
….lawyers could be an important source of protein.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning,
and you could save only one of them,
would you go to lunch or read the paper?
What do you think:
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
If the police arrest a mime, does he have the right to remain silent?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Why are there Braille buttons on elevators in car parking garages?
How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they get the Teflon to stick to the pan?
Why do they sterilize the needles used for lethal injections?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What is a synonym for “thesaurus”?
Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
Why not build the whole plane with that indestructible “black box” stuff?
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
I am a person of fixed and unbending principles
….the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States.
Just ask any Native American Indian.
I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.
The definition of an “expert” is someone who is from out-of-town.
The secret of success is sincerity.
Once you can fake that ….you’ve got it made.
If I only had a little humility….I’d be perfect.
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him
….is he still wrong?
A “word to the wise” ain’t necessary. It’s the stupid ones who need the advice.
It may be that your purpose in life….is simply to serve as a bad example.
An intellectual snob is someone who listens to the “William Tell Overture”
without thinking of the Lone Ranger.